Xander The Impaled
by MrPresident
Summary: Xander gets impaled on an iron railing (as you do). Updated with chapter seven and an apology.[Warning:B/X]
1. Welcome To My World Please Wipe Your Fee...

A MrPresident Original – Actual Value 0.000001p

Setting: This story is set in the setting in which it is set. That setting is so set so that a person who knows what setting it is is set to understand the setting in which it is set. Understand? Good, so I will begin.

Background: A white screen.

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Buffy The Vampire Slayer. In fact I own nothing at all. Absolutely nothing. I am possession less. It is not like I am one of those extremist anti-property people, far from it, I just happen to own nothing at the moment. But that can change. All I am asking for is a donation of 50 pounds a month or as much as you can steal. There are millions of money-grabbers like me and we all need your cash. Please put the cash in an envelope and simply chuck it out of the window. Thank you for your time and hopefully for your money. This is not a registered charity. It is nothing to do with good causes. In fact if I receive any money I will probably just blow it all at the races. 

Public Warning: This story was written by me and as such cannot be replicated without my approval. If you violate this I will sue you ass (and other parts of your body). That being said I can't afford a lawyer and probably wouldn't know if you replicated it or not. In fact I don't even know why I wrote this or why you are reading it. I suggest you ignore it. Although the only way you would know to ignore it would be to read it and so not ignore it. It truly is a paradox. It is up there with time-travel and the whole grandfather clause. I don't know where up there is but it is certainly there.  

Final Annoying Title Before The Story

Chapter One – This Chapter Was Rated Alpha By The MrPresident Board Of Censors. 

Buffy: You know after all these years I think I could have done that with my eyes closed.

Willow: That would be something to see.

Xander: Yeah, we could sell tickets. Come see the amazing blindfolded Slayer. 

Buffy: Well, this amazing Slayer just had a great idea. Ice creams my treat.

Willow: Your treat? I thought you were economising.

Buffy: I was but with my new job I think I can splash out of a couple of ice creams for my friends.

Xander: Yeah Willow. If Buffy wants to give us free ice cream, then so be it. It is     obvious that she can't be talked out of it and so we shouldn't even try.

Willow: Okay. Ooohh, can I have Rocky Robin?

Xander: What is it with you and Rocky Robin?

Willow: What is wrong with Rocky Robin.

Xander: The name, the flavour, the texture, do I need to go on?

Buffy: You needn't.  We all have weird passions, remember the panties?

Xander: You said you would never bring that up again.

Willow: What about panties?

Buffy: Well, one day Xander…

Xander: Buffy!

Buffy: found a pair of Anya's panties…

Xander: Stop right now!

Buffy: and he decided to try them out, as you do…

Xander: It's not even an interesting story.

Buffy: Well he had to go to work before he could take them off.

Xander: Can anyone actually hear me?

Buffy: He spent the whole day with them on.

Xander: Hello! 

Buffy: Turns out he rather liked how they felt.

Xander: It is like that movie, the invisible man.

Willow: How do you know all of this?

Xander: Although I don't have a white gloves or a walking stick.

Buffy: Anya told me.

Xander: What a minute, Anya didn't know that I wore them the whole day.

Buffy: Didn't she? She must have.

Xander: No. You don't forget incidents like that. So, how did you know?

Buffy: All right I saw you changing at the Magic Shop.

Willow: You saw him changing? Did you, you know, see everything?

Buffy: No, but I saw the panties. Then Anya told me the rest of the story.

Xander: What were you doing sneaking a peek?

Buffy: I wasn't sneaking. There was no sneaking involved. I just happened to wander into the room that you were changing in.

Xander: How come I don't ever happen to do that with you two?

Buffy: Coz we usually lock the door.

Xander: Well, since you saw me I think I should get a quick free-view of you.

Willow: Xander!

Xander: What? 

Buffy: You aren't getting any free-views.

Xander: What about…

Buffy: And you can't pay for it either.

Willow: Xander! That is so rude.

Xander: What? I didn't say anything.

Willow: You were going to.

Xander: How do you know that?

Buffy: Okay, what were you going to say?

Xander: That's not the point. 

Buffy: What is the point then?

Xander: You assumed that was going to ask you that.

Buffy: But you were going to ask me that.

Xander: I might not have.

Buffy: But you just said you were.

Xander: Yes, but you didn't know that.

Buffy: But you…

[Four vampires walk round the corner of a mausoleum and bump into Buffy]

Buffy: Hey, watch where you are going. You vampires never have any manners.

[**Buffy and the lead vampire start to fight. She knocks him to the ground and the second vampire charges forward. She stakes him and takes on the third and first vampire at the same time. Meanwhile the fourth vampire is attacking Xander and Willow. Buffy kills the third vampire and is just left with the first one. She quickly stakes him and turns round to see how Xander and Willow are doing. They are not doing well. Willow was knocked to the ground. The vampire goes to bite her but Xander throws himself at the vampire and knocks him down. The vampire gets up and throws Xander across the graveyard. Buffy charges forward and does some acrobatics in the air finishing when a stake to the vampire's heart.]**

Buffy: [turns to Willow] you okay?

Willow: Just the usual concussion.

Buffy: Where's Xander.

[The two of them look around the graveyard]

Willow: [She sees Xander impaled on an iron railing] Xander!

[They both run over to him]

Buffy: Xander! Can you hear me?

Xander [groggily] Buffy?

[Blood is pouring out of Xander. Buffy rips part of his shirt and holds it against the wound.]

Buffy: Willow, go get help.

[Willow doesn't move]

Buffy: Willow! 

[Willow turns to Buffy]

Buffy: Go call an ambulance.

[Willow runs off]

Buffy: You're going to okay?

Xander: Buffy? 

Buffy: Yes.

Xander: I want to tell you something, you know, in case I don't make it.

Buffy: You are going to make it.

Xander: Just in case I…

[Xander loses consciousness]

Buffy: Xander! Xander!

_[End of this chapter]_

_Author's note: Well as you can tell from this chapter I don't quite know what is going to happen with this story. I would gladly welcome any suggestions that you might have concerning the story if, for the fact, that I don't really welcome them. So basically your job is to review what I write. Not a glamorous job but someone has to do it. You are the waste technicians (dustbin men) of the FanFiction world. I only ask one things of my reviewers (two if you count spelling correctly), please don't use the word 'melon'. Thank you for your time. I hope I passed the audition.  _

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	2. This Chapter Contains A Hidden Message

A MrPresident Original – Actual Value 0.000001p

Chapter Two – This Chapter Contains A Hidden Message.

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[Sunnydale Hospital]

Willow: And will it be a full recovery?

Doctor: It is too soon to tell.

Buffy: When will he wake up?

Doctor: Anytime now.

[The doctor's beeper goes off]

Doctor: I have to gone. I'll be back in an hour time to see how he is doing.

[Doctor leaves]

Willow: He looks so peaceful doesn't he?

[Buffy nods]

Willow: No sign of how close he came…to…you know.

Buffy: Yeah. 

[Willow turns from looking at Xander to Buffy]

Willow: We nearly lost him.

Buffy: I know.

Willow: I couldn't have taken it if I lost him.

Buffy: Willow, Willow. It's okay. He's fine. See. You think a little impaling would stop our Xander?

[Willow smiles]

Buffy: And he wouldn't dare die on us, think of the ass kicking I would give him if he did.

Willow: It's just that he is Xander. 

Buffy: I know what you mean. This whole thing has made me…

[Xander's eyes slowly open]

Willow: Xander! Xander, can you hear me?

Xander: I think everyone in the hospital can you hear, Will.

[Both Buffy and Willow smile]

Xander: I am in a hospital, right?

Buffy: The finest hospital in all of Sunnydale.

Xander: There's only one hospital in Sunnydale.

Buffy: That's true.

Willow: Do you know what happened to you?

Xander: I remember we were fighting some vampires and I got throw in the air. Then there was lots of pain and then I woke up here.

Willow: You were impaled on an iron railing.

[Xander's hand moves down to his wound]

Xander: That sounds serious. 

Buffy: Don't worry you'll be fine.

Xander: Everything in working order? 

Willow: You'll be as good as new in a month. Well maybe not new, in good condition with only one owner. 

Buffy: You know what they say; that what does not kill you makes you stronger.

Xander: I must have superhero strength then. So, when am I getting out of here?

Willow: They need to keep you overnight for observation. 

Xander: That doesn't mean they will be watching me when I sleep does it?

Buffy: No. Wait I'm not sure. It might. 

Willow: Then you have to spend a month resting at home.

Xander: No work? 

Buffy: No anything. 

Xander: No anything? I kind of need to do some anythings.

Willow: Sorry, Doctor's orders.

Xander: What will I do then?

Willow: Buffy and I will be your nurses.

[Xander's eyes lit up]

Buffy: And no we will not be wearing any uniforms.

Xander: Aww…It might help me recover more quickly.

Buffy: Sorry not in the job description. 

Xander: Where's your compassion?

Buffy: Just below my morals.

Willow: Hey, Xander. 

Xander: Yeah Wills.

Willow: Thanks for not dying.

Xander: You know me, anything for my friends.

[They all hug – music begins to play]

[Music gets louder and louder. The picture begins to darken]

[Credits begin to roll]

Xander: Not that I'm not enjoying this but you are kind of suffocating me. 

_[end of this chapter]_


	3. An Unladed Swallow’s Flight Away

Chapter 3 - An Unladed Swallow's Flight Away.  
  
[Xander's apartment]  
  
Buffy: So how is my favourite patient doing today?  
  
Xander: I don't know but I'm doing fine.  
  
Buffy: You need me to get you anything?  
  
Xander: Yeah.  
  
Buffy: What?  
  
Xander: My pants.  
  
Buffy: Okay. Wait a minute; you're not wearing your pants?  
  
Xander: That would be the logical conclusion.  
  
Buffy: If you're not wearing your pants, what are you wearing?  
  
Xander didn't say anything.  
  
Buffy: Oh my God!  
  
Xander: It was really hot last night.  
  
Buffy: If it was hot, you open a window.  
  
Xander: But what about the bugs?  
  
Buffy: What bugs?  
  
Xander: The bugs that fly into your room during the night when you leave your window open.  
  
Buffy: What are you talking?  
  
Xander: You know the bugs that crawl all over your body when you are asleep.  
  
Buffy: Okay, there is something seriously wrong with you.  
  
[Enter Willow]  
  
Willow: What is seriously wrong with Xander? And why are you holding his pants? Why isn't he wearing his pants? Oh my God! How could you Xander?  
  
Xander: It was hot last night.  
  
Willow: Oh.  
  
Buffy: What do you mean, oh? He could have opened a window if he was hot.  
  
Willow: And risk the bugs?  
  
Xander: You see.  
  
Buffy: Okay can someone please explain to me why you two are psychotic maniacs.  
  
Willow: Well when we were younger.  
  
[Phone rings]  
  
Willow: I'll get it.  
  
[Willow exits]  
  
Buffy: When you were younger.  
  
Xander: When we were younger we went on a camping trip. Well I say camping trip but really we spend a night in a tent in my backyard.  
  
Buffy: You two spent a night together in a tent?  
  
Xander: Yes.nothing happened.  
  
Buffy: Sure.  
  
Xander: No, really. We were young.  
  
Buffy: Of course.  
  
Xander: Very young.  
  
Buffy: I understand.  
  
[Willow enters]  
  
Willow: That was your work.  
  
Xander: They okay my sick leave?  
  
Willow: Yep. And someone named Alyssa said get well soon.  
  
Buffy: Who's Alyssa?  
  
Xander: Just someone from work.  
  
Willow: A female someone?  
  
Xander: Will, how many men are called Alyssa?  
  
Willow: Point taken.  
  
Buffy: So who is she?  
  
Xander: Whom.  
  
Buffy: Whom is she?  
  
Xander: Who.  
  
Buffy: Xander!  
  
Xander: Okay, Alyssa is one of the secretaries at our head office.  
  
Willow: Do you like her?  
  
Xander: She's okay.  
  
Buffy: Why don't men ever admit that they like a woman?  
  
Willow: Yeah. And why don't they ever leave the toilet seat down?  
  
Buffy: And why do they think burping is funny?  
  
Willow: And why.  
  
Xander: Enough! I think I have to stop you two there. We men may have our faults but you women have just as many.  
  
Buffy: Like what?  
  
Xander: You are obsessed with shoes. It takes you hours to get ready. You never say what you want and then complain when we don't know. You.  
  
Buffy: Okay, you made your point.  
  
Xander: That's two points today. That's like a record for me.  
  
Buffy: Are you going to gloat about it?  
  
Xander: Just a little.  
  
[Xander' gloats]  
  
[Xander stops gloating]  
  
Buffy: You done?  
  
Xander: Yes.  
  
[Willow looks at her watch]  
  
Willow: Hey Buffy we should get going if you want to catch the previews.  
  
Xander: Going?  
  
Willow: Yeah we are having a girl's day out.  
  
Xander: Does that mean I can't come?  
  
Buffy: Unless you are planning on having some radical reconstructive surgery.  
  
Willow: Anyway you have got to get your rest.  
  
Xander: All I had is rest.  
  
Buffy: Rest and television.  
  
Xander: Yes but you can't at enough television. Well except that channel devoted to women, what a load of. [Xander looks at Buffy and Willow].I really need some male friends.  
  
Willow: Well the doctor said you need rest and rest is what you are going to get whether you like it or not.  
  
Xander: Yes, mam.  
  
Buffy: Besides I don't think you would enjoy girl's day out. There is going to be a lot of shopping involved.  
  
Xander: The kind of shopping that takes hours to buy one piece of clothing.  
  
Buffy: Yep.  
  
Xander: Okay, maybe I don't want to go.  
  
Willow: Buffy. [Willow points to her watch]  
  
Buffy: You know Willow we can miss the previews.  
  
Willow: But they're the best part.  
  
Buffy: Alright fine. Let's get going.  
  
Willow: See you later.  
  
Xander: Have fun.  
  
Buffy: You too.  
  
[Willow and Buffy exit]  
  
Xander: Hmm.I wonder what's on the telly.  
  
[Xander turns on the television and the all-female channel comes on]  
  
Television: And that is how you get an ordinary pair of shoes to look like the latest fashion.  
  
Xander: Oh, man this is boring.  
  
[Xander reaches for the remote control]  
  
Television: And next we are going to show you how make sure your bra is the correct size.  
  
[Xander's hand moves away from the remote] 


	4. Call The Fire Brigade

Chapter 4 – Call The Fire Brigade

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[Buffy's house]

[Dawn watching television alone]

[Knock on the door]

[Dawn goes and opens it]

Dawn: Xander?

Xander: Hey.

Dawn: What are you doing here?

Xander: Just stretching my legs.

Dawn: But I thought you weren't allowed out of bed.

Xander: Yes but I don't always do what I am supposed to do.

Dawn: You are such a rebel.

Xander: Yeah, I'm James Dean.

Dawn: Who?

Xander: James Dean.

Dawn: Never heard of him.

Xander: You don't know who James Dean is?

Dawn: Nope.

Xander: Don't they teach you anything at school?

Dawn: I learned that Independence Day is on the wrong day.

Xander: What?

Dawn: It should be on July 2nd but they guy who printed the declaration of independence put the 4th as the date.

Xander: Is that true?

Dawn: That is what I was told.

Xander: You shouldn't always believe what you are told.

Dawn: Should I believe that?

Xander: Err…no.

Dawn: So, what you doing here?

Xander: I was bored.

Dawn: Aren't Willow and Buffy entertaining enough for you?

Xander: On normal occasions yes, but not at the moment.

Dawn: Why?

Xander: They went out for some sort of girl's day thing.

Dawn: They told me that couldn't do that!

Xander: It appears that they lied to you.

Dawn: Like that is unusual. 

Xander: What is that meant to mean?

Dawn: Everyone lies to me.

Xander: That's not true.

Dawn: Okay, is it true that you love Buffy?

Xander: Who told you that?

Dawn: Will…no one. Anyway that doesn't matter. Do you love her?

Xander: Err…um…no.

Dawn: I See.

Xander: What?

Dawn: You just lied to me then.

Xander: I did not.

Dawn: You did it again.

Xander: I don't know what you are talking about.

Dawn: You're lying to me.

Xander: Dawn, I'm not lying to you.

Dawn: You so are. You totally love Buffy.

Xander: You should ignore whatever a certain small redheaded young lady told you. She doesn't know what she is talking about.

Dawn: Fine.

Xander: I'm glad we got that cleared up. Now I have not been watching television for the last half an hour and I think I am suffering from withdrawal.

[Xander sits down and watches the television]

[Dawn goes and sits next to him]

[A few minutes of silence pass]

Dawn [whispers]: You so love her.

Xander: What?

Dawn: Nothing. 

Xander: You said something.

Dawn: No I didn't.

Xander: Now who's lying?

Dawn: You?

Xander: I think I would know if I was lying.

Dawn: What if you convinced yourself that the lie you were telling wasn't a lie but the truth.

Xander: I'm too smart for that. Or is that too stupid. I'm one of them. Anyway that wouldn't happen to me.

Dawn: Sure.

Xander: What?

Dawn: Nothing.

Xander: You said sure.

Dawn: Yeah?

Xander: People don't say sure when they agree with you.

Dawn: Isn't that like the definition of sure.

Xander: Maybe your "dictionary" definition but it's not the street definition.

Dawn: Since when do you know street definitions?

Xander: Since I started to work on a building site. So you obviously think that I could be convinced that a lie was the truth.

Dawn: Alright fine I do.

Xander: How could you think that?

Dawn: That shirt you have on, does it look good?

[Xander looks at his shirt]

Xander: Yes.

Dawn: That's why.

Xander: Hey! Don't attack my fashion sense.

Dawn: Why not? Buffy does.

Xander: She does not.

Dawn: What about the time she said you couldn't wear that bright orange shirt in the house?

Xander: Okay, maybe one time.

Dawn: Or the time she said those leather boots you bought were so ugly she wouldn't even give them to a charity shop.

Xander: Alright fine.

Dawn: Or the time she...

Xander: Dawn! You've made your point.

Dawn: Oh, good. So why can she criticise your fashion sense but I can't?

Xander: Well...err...um...because.

Dawn: Oh, I get it.

Xander: You get what?

Dawn: Its part of the whole you love her thing.

Xander: Okay for the last time I do not love...Buffy! I almost didn't see you there.

Buffy: You don't love who?

Dawn: Yo…

Xander: No one.

Buffy: Is it that Alyssa girl?

Dawn: Who's Alyssa?

Xander: Just someone from work.

Buffy: It's this secretary that Xander fancies.

Xander: Okay no one said anything about fancying her.

Buffy: Oh come on Xander. It is obvious that you do. Any girl would have to be blind not to notice when you fancy them.

Dawn: Is that so?

Xander: Dawn!

Dawn: What?

Xander: Err...aren't you angry that Buffy and Willow went on a girl's day out without you?

Buffy: Xander!

Dawn: You told me it was cancelled!

Buffy: Willow and I wanted a little…and the film we saw was…Oh, Xander you are so dead. 

Xander: Enjoy.

[Xander exits]


	5. Disney Is Evil

**Chapter 5 – Disney Is Evil.**

****

[Xander's apartment]

Buffy: You know Dawn told me something interesting.

Xander: She did?

Buffy: Yeah, very interesting.

Xander: This wouldn't involve me would it?

Buffy: That's a little egocentric.

Xander: I see that college education wasn't wasted.

Buffy: I also know the literacy impact of the French revolution.

Xander: Always a useful piece of knowledge.

Buffy: Yeah, it's especially useful when working in fast food.

Xander: I often want to discuss the French revolution while waiting for my Big Mac to arrive.

Buffy: Maybe we should create a new type of fast food restaurant. You have intellectual debates while you wait for your food to arrive. 

Xander: McDebates.

Buffy: Although the whole point of fast food is that you don't wait long for your food.

Xander: That's the theory anyway. I suppose the debates would have to be really short.

Buffy: That may be a good thing considering that must people don't know much about the French revolution.

Xander: Maybe we should teach them instead of debating. 

Buffy: Yeah and we could name the food after subjects. Like the radical nature of the American Revolution burger.

Xander: With the cultural importance of comics in modern society fries.

Buffy: I didn't think comics had any cultural importance.

Xander: Excuse me?

Buffy: And by that I mean that comics do have cultural importance.

Xander: Damn straight.

Buffy: But then again people don't want to learn when they are eating fast food.

Xander: People don't want to learn period.

Buffy: Another good idea hits the dust.

Xander: I still reckon my squirrel circus idea could have worked.

Buffy: We talked about this. The animal rights people would be all over you, especially the whole canon firing trick.

Xander: I suppose.

[Xander opens a cupboard in the kitchen]

Xander: Hey, do you want some cereal?

Buffy: Cereal? It's one o'clock.

Xander: Yeah?

Buffy: Isn't cereal a breakfast kind of food?

Xander: And…

Buffy: And isn't one o'clock a little late for breakfast.

Xander: That's the beauty of breakfast. It has no set time limit. As soon as you wake up it's breakfast.

Buffy: Then why does McDonalds have a 10:30 time limit on breakfast items.

Xander: Because they are evil.

Buffy: McDonalds is evil?

Xander: Yep.

Buffy: You're basing this solely on the breakfast time limit.

Xander: Nope, I am also basing it on their BigMac.

Buffy: Any other symbol of America that you think is evil?

Xander: Disney.

Buffy: Disney?

Xander: Disney.

Buffy: And what exactly is evil about Disney.

Xander: Pretty much everything.

Buffy: Everything?

Xander: Well apart from Dumbo, of course.

Buffy: Why not Dumbo?

Xander: Have you seen Dumbo? How could a baby elephant with huge ears be evil?

Buffy: I suppose. But how could Bambi be evil?

Xander: She could have eaten a squirrel.

Buffy: What is it with you and squirrels?

Xander: What? Squirrels are great.

Buffy: They're just rats with good PR.

Xander: Like that's unusual. Whales are just fish with good PR.

Buffy: Whales aren't fish.

Xander: They aren't, then what the hell are they?

Buffy: Mammals.

Xander: Like us.

Buffy: Yep.

Xander: Never.

Buffy: It's true.

Xander: How do you know?

Buffy: Coz…err…everyone knows they're mammals.

Xander: I few hundred years ago everyone knew that the earth was the centre of the universe.

Buffy: How do you know that it isn't?

Xander: Star Trek.

Buffy: And you believe everything Star Trek says?

Xander: Everything except the whole Prime Directive thing.

Buffy: What's that?

Xander: Basically it says that we shouldn't interfere with primitive life forms.

Buffy: Oh yeah like that is going to work.

Xander: Exactly. Discover a valuable mineral on a planet and the Prime Directive would be out of the window.

Buffy: Yeah.

[No one says anything for a minute]

Buffy: What were we talking about?

Xander: I don't know. It probably wasn't that important.

Buffy: Yeah, probably.

****

**_Music starts to play_**

****

**_Credits begin to roll_**

****

Buffy: Oh I know.

**_Screen goes blank._**


	6. The Beginnings Of A Story

Chapter Six – The Beginnings Of A Story

****

[Xander's apartment]

Buffy: Dawn told me that-

[Phone rings]

[Xander picks it up]

Xander: Hello.

Willow: Xander?

Xander: Yeah.

Willow: Is Buffy there?

Xander: Yeah, just a minute.

[Xander hands the phone to Buffy]

Xander: It's Willow.

Buffy: Hi Willow what's up?

Willow: I just got a call from Giles, you better come home.

Buffy: What is it? Is there something wrong?

Willow: Just come home.

[Willow hangs up]

Buffy: Willow! Willow! 

Xander: What's wrong?

Buffy: She didn't say. I've got to [Buffy points to the door]

Xander: Okay let's go.

Buffy: No you need to stay and-

Xander: Rest? I've had too much rest; I'm coming with you.

Buffy: Okay.

[Buffy and Xander exit]

[Buffy's house]

Buffy: So when is it coming?

Willow: The 26th.

Xander: That's a little more exact that usual.

Willow: It has to do with the planets and their alignment. 

Xander: What sort of danger are we talking here?

Willow: The end of the world kind.

Buffy: Like there is any other in Sunnydale.

Xander: Why is it that they always try to destroy the world?

Buffy: They're evil, it's in their job description.

Xander: It seems a little comic bookie to me.

Buffy: Everything seems a little comic bookie to you.

Xander: Hey! 

Buffy: What?

Xander: That-

Willow: Guys! Slight problem with the big evil demon trying to destroy the world.

Xander: Will that happens every week. Except during the summer for some reason.

Buffy: Yeah, why doesn't anything happen during the summer?

Willow: You know I rather liked this world.

Buffy: Okay Will, how will it end the world?

Willow: Giles says it will try to open the hell mouth.

Buffy: This sounds like your regular end of the world scenario. 

Willow: You haven't heard how.

Xander: My guess is he will dress up like a bunny rabbit and perform some sort of ritual.

Willow: That's right.

Buffy: He is going to dress up like a bunny?

Willow: Well, not that part. But he will perform a ritual.

Buffy: They all perform rituals, what's different about this one?

Willow: He needs the head of the slayer to do it.

Xander: Okay that's different.

Willow: Yeah.

Buffy: Does he need only the head?

Willow: Uh-huh.

Buffy: Oh.

Xander: What's the problem? Demon comes, Buffy kills, and we have pie to celebrate.

Willow: That's the idea. Well except the pie thing.

Xander: And what exactly is wrong with pie?

Willow: Where should I start?

Xander: I find the beginning is usually the best place.

Buffy: What else did Giles say?

Willow: Not much else really.

Buffy: What does the demon look like?

Willow: Big, green and with three pointy horns.

Buffy: Why are there never any small, furry, cute demons?

Xander: Where do you think they got the idea for Furbies?

Willow: And Giles said the only way to kill it, is to put a sword through its heart.

Xander: This would be much easy if bullets killed them.

Willow: That would kind of negate the need for a slayer.

Xander: I suppose. So do we have to do any research or do we just fight it?

Buffy: Not we, us. You're not doing any fighting.

Xander: And why not!

[Buffy pushes Xander's wound]

Xander: Ow! 

Buffy: That's why.

Xander: You know you could have just said you're injured rather than poking me.

Buffy: Yes I could have.

Xander: So what do I do?

Buffy: Nothing.

Xander: A demon is coming to cut your head off to perform a ritual to end the world and you want me to do nothing?

Buffy: Listen Xander you don't have a choice here. You're not fighting.

Xander: Alright fine! But if you need someone to rescue you at the last minute don't look at me.

Buffy: Fine!

Xander: Fine!

Willow: Okay, who wants cookies?

Xander: I think I better go home and get some rest since that is all I'm good for these days.

Buffy: Maybe you should.

[Xander looks at Buffy but doesn't say anything then leaves]

Willow: Don't worry Buffy I'm sure he knows your right.

Buffy: I am right, aren't I?

Willow: I'm pretty sure you are.

Author's note: I know I'm just as shocked as you. Who would have thought that a plot would manage to creep it's way into this story. It just goes to show you that you can never rely on anything except death, taxes and human stupidity. Well, at least in my stories. And now back to the story…oh it seems that was the end of the chapter. Well don't worry I'm sure I'll write another one soon (unless you are reading this after I have written another chapter. If that is the case then ignore this section of the chapter) but thinking about it I probably won't. I have quite a few essays due in and the deadlines are looming ever larger. I probably should have started to write them weeks ago but that would mean, you know, work. Well anyway if I don't produce another chapter soon then it is because I have decided to write the essays or I hate you. Either way works for me.


	7. I’m Sorry But It Had To Be Done…sorry

**Chapter Seven – I'm Sorry But It Had To Be Done…sorry.**

****

Xander: Man that was some battle.

Buffy: Yeah.

Xander: I'm mean, it was a huge battle.

Buffy: Yeah.

Xander: Huge.

Buffy: Yeah.

Willow: At least we all survived.

Xander: Yeah.

[Xander looks at Buffy with a smile and she smiles back]

[Willow notices this exchange]

Willow: What is that?

Xander: What?

Willow: You don't hear that?

Buffy: Hear what?

Willow: I better go and…you know [pause] ok.

[Willow exits]

Xander: You hear anything?

Buffy: Nope.

Xander: So I'm not going deaf?

[Buffy mouths something]

Xander: Very funny.

Buffy: Thanks Xander.

Xander: I was being sarcastic.

Buffy: No not about that…about, well, you know…thanks.

Xander: For coming about and saving your ass?

Buffy: Yeah, that.

Xander: No problem. I wasn't about to let you stop me from saving…well, you.

Buffy: You're not going to bring this up every time I tell you to do stop, are you?

Xander: Not every time.

Buffy: Oh God, maybe you saving me wasn't such a good idea.

Xander: Yeah because another death is exactly what you need.

[Buffy smiles]

Buffy: I also forgot. Dawn told me something very interesting about you.

Xander: She did?…What could Dawn tell you about me? [Xander's eyes widen] She didn't!

Buffy: She did.

Xander: Listen I can explain.

Buffy: Sure you can.

Xander: She misinterpreted what I said. 

Buffy: Doesn't sound like there was much to misinterpret.

Xander: Regardless of what she told you I don't yo…

Buffy: Listen Xander it's okay.

Xander: But I…it's okay?

Buffy: Yes.

Xander: Let me get this straight…it's okay? As in your fine with it?

Buffy: Why wouldn't I be fine with it?

Xander: I ask myself that every day.

Buffy: Really? 

Xander: Wait a minute. What exactly did Dawn tell you?

Buffy: That you love a mysterious woman.

Xander: Mysterious?

Buffy: Dawn wouldn't tell me her name.

Xander: She wouldn't?

Buffy: Not for the want of trying.

Xander: She you don't have a clue who this woman is?

Buffy: Dawn said it wasn't Alyssa.

Xander: Alyssa?

Buffy: From your work.

Xander: Oh yeah.

Buffy: So I take it, it isn't her.

Xander: No it isn't her.

Buffy: But you do love a mysterious woman?

Xander: I suppose I do.

Buffy: You suppose? Are you not that sure?

Xander: I wasn't sure for a long time but now…now…yeah, I love her.

Buffy: So you have known this woman for a long time? Why haven't I met her?

Xander: That would be impossible.

Buffy: Impossible? Why?

Xander: It's you.

Buffy: Me?

Xander: Yeah.

Buffy: You love me?

Xander: Yeah.

Buffy: Me?

Xander: Yeah.

Buffy: I don't understand.

Xander: I love you Buffy Summers.

Buffy: But you're Xander.

Xander: I'm aware of that.

Buffy: You can't love me.

Xander: I can and do.

Buffy: But you're Xander.

Xander: We've established that fact.

Buffy: You love me?

Xander: And that one.

Buffy: But…

Xander: It's simple Buffy. I love you. I loved you since the first time I saw you. I loved you even when I didn't know I loved you. I have always loved you and probably always will. You are my first thought when I wake up in the morning and my last thought before I fall asleep. You are my first, my all, my everything. It's simple…I love you.

Buffy: Xander I…I…

Xander: I know what you're going to say. That was the reason why I didn't tell you until now.

Buffy: Why now?

Xander: Tonight I could have died, we all could have. I know that I have faced much worst and survived [Xander's hand goes to his back] but there is point when you realise that you won't survive. I know death is inevitable but until now I never really accepted that. Now…now everything is different. No longer will I be held captive by fear, fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of…whatever. That's why I told you I love you. I don't expect you to feel the same way; I just had to say it. I just had too. I'm sorry…I'm sorry if this ruins our friendship but there are some things in life that are worth gambling for.  

[Xander exits]

Buffy: Xander!

**_Author's note: I know, I know. I'm sorry. Some of you will doubtless be disappointed that a writer of my…err…quality has done what I did but it had to be done. As the old saying goes 'a man has to do what a man has to do'. Admittedly most of the time that involves such actions as spitting, watching football (soccer if you are one of those unfortunate people will the mind-numbing disability forcing you to call sports by their wrong names) and some form of bodily function. However on this occasion it involved none of them (okay, maybe one of the latter), on this occasion it involved…well, you know what it involved. So I will leave you will the two words that keep me going through the hard process of writing this chapter, 'for _****_England_****_!'_**


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